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The Diary of What Happens Next

IT’S OFFICIAL: These are Jason Hirschhorn and Paul Carr’s TOP FOURTEEN worst media/tech headline clichés of 2011

I’m addicted to Jason Hirschhorn’s MediaReDEF feed — a stream of human-curated media/technology headlines, delivered straight to my Twitter and email throughout the day. You should subscribe, you’ll soon be addicted too.

Still, one of the problems of reading headlines from media-tech blogs all day (not to mention having spent almost two years writing for one) is that one quickly comes to realise how appalling many bloggers are at writing headlines. Appalling and lazy.

A couple of weeks ago, during a particularly cliché-filled news day, Jason and I got into a Twitter discussion about our least favourite sloppy headline habits. Realising we shared many of the same pet peeves, he suggested we post a list of the worst of them — perhaps in the hope being that it might spur some fresh ideas in blog headline writing. It won’t, of course, but it sure was cathartic to compile the list.

Here, then, are Jason Hirschhorn and Paul Carr’s fourteen worst blog headline clichés. Bloggers: your New Year’s resolution is to avoid all of these in 2012.


IT’S OFFICIAL:
If you were so worried about it being official you would have waited to write about it in the first place. But you didn’t, we clicked on the it and we read it, so the official thing just doesn’t matter to us now. Oh and we can’t stand “TOLDJA” either.


X Just Did Y
Prevalent amongst bloggers who think it makes headlines sound urgent and epochal, in reality it’s a guaranteed sign of amateur hour at the news factory. Of course it just happened, you idiot, it’s news. (See also: headlines that begin with “Yes,” — as in “Yes, X Just Hired Y” as if the headline writer is anticipating a chorus of pantomime-style disbelief.)


This X-Year-Old Just Did Something
Don’t even click. They are just saying that some kid just made a boatload of money you will never earn or did something you will never do. We’re not saying you won’t — but they are implying it. Jealously and comparing your lot in life to others gets page views.


Did X Just Kill Whatever?
Often used in conjunction with “just” (above), as in “Did Apple just kill the CD/mouse/keyboard/monitor?”. “X launches Y killer.” “Will Q kill R?” No and no. (OJ, on the other hand: guilty.)


X Needs To Bet The Entire Company On This
No, they don’t. Listen, we love a good McRib but McDonald’s shouldn’t bet the whole company on it. Usually these suggestions are beyond wacky. A little focus never hurt anyone, but c’mon.


SLIDESHOW:

Go [Next] Fuck [Next] Yourself [Next]

This Changes Everything or This. Changes. Everything.
We’d bet on this not being the case like we double down on an 11 facing a six in Blackjack. Almost always. It just came out. It likely changes nothing. In a year if it changes everything then, well, write “This. Changed. Everything.”


Top Ten…. X
Often paired with a SLIDESHOW, top tens are the very nadir of the online headline writers art (save perhaps for the even lazier “Top Eight…”) Who amongst us hasn’t fantasized about submitting a piece to the HuffPost entitled “The top ten slideshows of all time?” Trouble is, they’d post it. And it would do a ton of traffic. (Related: X Things You Need to Know… We have a general problem with authority that dates back to getting kicked out of high school. Don’t tell us what to do or what we need to know.)


Here Is The List Of Possible CEO Candidates For…
These are always hilarious. 1/3 are insane choices that make no sense. 1/3 maybe have a shot. 1/3 are the people leaking they may be the next CEO.


Is This The World’s X-est Y?
As a general rule, if a headline asks you a question, the answer is no. Is this the world’s fattest child? No. Is this the world’s most expensive burger? No. Is this the world’s most diabetic swan? Perhaps.


Which Star Just Did X?
“This celebrity just did something grotesque with a pie!” Who? What? Oh, right, no-one and nothing. These guessing game headlines are all about getting the damn click through. (Related: “How Much Did Teen Charlotte Bronte Manuscript Sell For?” You tell me, HuffPost Books — you’re the one writing the fucking headline.)


Unintentional Wordplay
Is the writer being deliberately misleading or is online copy editing dead? Or both? Turns out that the BBC’s headline “Sports Stars on Speed” (BBC) had nothing to do with athletes on amphetamines and everything to do with celebrities paying tribute to their recently recently deceased colleague Gary Speed. And could “Michael Moore Fails To Recall Own Book” (HuffPost) really mean that the liberal author can’t remember writing one of his own tomes? Nope — bizarrely it was a story about Michael Moore being unable to prevent a bookstore from stocking his book.


Puns.
Nah, just kidding. Puns are brilliant.

 

[Headline image credits: Business Insider, Business Insider, Business Insider, MarketWatch, Business Insider, Business Insider, Business Insider, All Things D, Business Insider, The Score, Business Insider, All Things D/HuffPost, VentureBeat.]

The Economist Vs Cee Lo Green

I saw this…

Which reminded me of this…

So I made this…

I’m not entirely sure why.

Do my job for me, please

My UK publisher is busy finalising plans for the mass-market paperback edition of The Upgrade, due for publication earlyish in 2012. To give it more mass-market appeal (I have no idea what that means), they want me to suggest a new subtitle/strap-line to replace “A cautionary tale of a life without reservations” . The only problem is, I really like the original subtitle so my brain is refusing to come up with any great ideas.

Have you read the book? Do you have any brilliant suggestions for straplines? If so, let me know either here or on Twitter. If they end up using your suggestion I’ll give you no money whatsoever, but will thank you profusely in the acknowledgements page. If you idea is really good, I might lobby for it to be used on the US edition too.

Sticking it to the man

Just received this from a friend who is co-founder of a fast-growing company in San Francisco. Posted here with permission, and without further comment…

So last week, we closed an offer to a new hire. We agreed to provide him with an upgraded setup, so on Friday I decided to take advantage of the sale at the Apple store to pick up the laptop for him. When I got there, though, there were several dozen “occupiers” outside with a bullhorn. They were claiming that the store had been closed, which clearly was not the case.

However, they had also formed a barricade and were doing their best to not let anyone in – if you tried to walk past them, you got shoved back outside their circle (so much for nonviolence).

I probably should have just waited until they dispersed, but I was pretty annoyed, and this was a challenge. So I worked my way to the edge (“hey, watch out, this guy’s trying to get in”) and after waiting  for their last line of defense to get distracted (someone offered him some drugs?) I squeezed past and through the door, much to the occupiers dismay and the Apple employees’ delight (they were mostly hanging out at the front of the store watching).

In the process, however, my foot got caught in between the door and a protestor, and when I yanked it free my shoe stayed where it was.

“Nice job getting in here, what can I help you with today?”

“I’d like a MacBook pro, and a secured exit. Also, you don’t sell shoes, do you?”

I had given up on ever seeing it again and so we got started on the MacBook. Somehow, another employee saw what had happened and managed to retrieve  it from outside. Quite possibly the best customer service I’ve ever seen.

I suppose I could have tried letting the goons (holding the signs reading “I’ll never get a job in this economy”) know that the reason I was going to the store was that I was busy creating jobs and needed to purchase a tool that would create even more. Somehow, though, I think the irony would have been lost on them – based in the fact that several protestors were using brand new iPhones to take HD footage of their “occupation”.

Overhead at TNG: “Let’s agree right now that NSFW Corp doesn’t have any ‘values’”

The NSFW story is bigger than just me. That’s scary

It was inevitable: as things hot up with NSFW Corp / The New Gambit, so I’d have less and less time to blog here. And that’s how it should be — it’s easy, as a writer, to think that the story of the company is more important than the company itself and to spend my whole time blogging. That was something I did too much with previous startups and, well, we all know how they ended.

That said, there is so much amazing stuff happening that I wish I had the time to write about it. In the past two weeks since I last logged in to WordPress, I’ve been back to San Francisco, re-meeting several potential key hires, meeting with four trillion potential writers, taking care of more legal and logistics stuff… and even taking an overnight trip on Tony Hsieh’s tour bus.

But the biggest thing that’s happened in the past couple of weeks is that this has stopped being a story about me and what I’m doing next and has instead started to be the story of us, a real company with a rapidly growing team of people all working to build something new and — hopefully — mindblowingly good. For that reason, it seems logical to stop posting NSFW/TNG related stuff on here and instead create a dedicated collaborative blog. One where I — and the rest of the team — can quickly post images, quotes, links, news updates, questions, ideas and anything else to continue telling the behind the scenes story of NSFW without taking our collective eye off the ball.

So here it is: the NSFW Corp blog.We’ve already posted a whole load of stuff on there, including The New Gambit’s logo (designed by Yiying Li, creator of the Twitter fail whale).

I’ll continue to update this blog as often as I can with stuff that relates to me personally rather than the company.

 

 

Recently added to the library at NSFWHQ.

Recently added to the library at NSFWHQ.

More TNG logos, fresh out of the printer at Walls 360

The New Gambit, Priority One: get a huge logo on the wall

Opening Gambit



And so it begins. My erstwhile TechCrunch colleague, Alexia Tstosis has just published a post all about what I’m up to with Not Safe For Work Corporation. She even convinced me to do a Skype interview to fill in some gaps.

Truth be told, I’ve never truly understood the point of “stealth mode”. The idea that somehow not telling people what your new company is doing — in the interests, presumably, of protecting your idea from imitators — is at best short-sighted and at worst counter-productive.

As you’ll know if you’ve been following the ridiculous inside beltway drama of the past few weeks, my timing for leaving TechCrunch and returning to start-up land wasn’t entirely my own. The raw concept for NSFWCorp had been floating around in my head for months — maybe over a year — but it remained a raw concept; a series of strong opinions on what the media landscape needed, and a list of things that annoyed me about a certain subset of the publishing industry. And then all shit broke loose. And suddenly it was time to make this thing happen.

So for the past two or three weeks I’ve been working like a man possessed: flying across the country and back to meet scores of experts in dozens of disciplines. I’ve filled half a dozen notebooks, I’ve made my ear red and sore through phone calls, I’ve secured investment and incorporated a company and retained a lawyer and opened a corporate bank account and done all kinds of other grown up things. But above all, I’ve turned “I” into “We”: there are other people working on this thing now. Brilliant, inspiring people who know all kinds of things about which I’m clueless but which will be vital to the success of NSFW. The beginnings, in fact, of The Best Team In The World. (I’ll introduce you to some of them very soon).

Between us we’ve taken the thousand nebulous half-formed blobs of idea-mercury sloshing around in my brain, merged them with similar blogs in their own brains and corralled them into one magnificent, glistening ball. The Core Concept of NSFW.

And here it is…

In a nut, Not Safe For Work Corporation is a publishing company. In a slightly bigger nut, it’s a magazine publishing company. And in a nut that’s even bigger still, it’s a magazine publishing company specializing in creating wonderful publications for the Kindle, iPad and other tablets and e-reader devices.

A couple of months back, I wrote a post on TechCrunch entitled “Now Can We All Agree That The “High Quality Web Content” Experiment Has Failed?” In it, I talked about the numerous ways in which ad-supported, free-to-access online content has failed readers by elevating PR-driven SEO garbage high above real honest-to-goodness journalism.

But now, thanks to the Kindle, the iPad, the Nook et al, there is another way. Readers on those devices have proved themselves ready, willing and able to pay to read high quality writing. They pay to read the New Yorker on their iPad, they pay to read Byliner‘s long-form journalism on their Kindles. Partly this willingness comes from the fact that tablets and e-readers make reading enjoyable again, but an equal part of the economic viability of those platforms is the fact that there has never been an assumption that content on them would be free. And when writers and publishers are being paid, they do their best work.

But still, for all the potential that e-readers and tablets offer, what we’ve seen is a succession of existing media brands – Wired, Vanity Fair, the Economist – translating their print product on to tablets often with only a few DVD extras to differentiate them from their dead tree parents. The apps themselves are wonderful, but there’s nothing original or fresh about their content. The only significant publication designed from the ground up for tablets is Rupert Murdoch’s ‘The Daily’. But again, the lack of originality is remarkable, and sad — especially given how many talented writers and editors are involved. The Daily is a naked attempt to ensure the future of the traditional newspaper format by creating an iPad newspaper that reads just like any one of Newscorp’s countless print newspapers. Hell, the Daily even tries to break news. (Sorry Rupert, but the future of breaking news remains on free sites, on the Internet.)

For months I’ve been watching the baby steps of tablet-based magazine publishing and imagining what it would look like if a true start-up came along and decided to invent a brand new publication, entirely from scratch. What would that publication cover? Who would its audience be? What form would it take? What frequency? What price? And once all of those questions have been answered, what would the startup’s second title be? And the third?

Not Safe For Work Corporation answers those questions.

Our first publication, launching in January 2012 will be ‘The New Gambit’, a weekly news magazine that’s maybe best described as “the Economist as written by the Daily Show”. In other words, it’ll tell you everything you need to know (and maybe even think) about the week’s events, but it’ll make you laugh your ass off while it’s doing it.

It’ll be available on Kindle, iPad, Nook and every other ereader/tablet device we can publish on. None of the content will be published on the web — to read it, you’ll need to subscribe. It’ll cost 99c an issue, or around $50 per year. Subscribers will also get a bunch of other cool stuff that I’m not ready to talk about quite yet. And if you don’t laugh out loud at least once in every issue, we’ll give you your money back.

So, that’s the skeleton of the idea. But we’ve already started to put meat on those bones. For one thing, as a former struggling freelancer, I’m determined that we’ll respect professional writing, and worship professional writers. Our team will be a mix or staff writers and full time, but even one-off contributors will be paid well, and paid promptly.

We’re working to create a place — both physical and philosophical — where great writers can do their best work. Where reporters (and there will be plenty of real reporting) know that their editors have their back, and where funny people can finally get paid for doing what they’re good at. On a slightly more serious note, our advisory board includes world renowned experts in journalistic ethics who will help us build a new framework for the future of digital reporting. PR freebies and SEO have absolutely no place at NSFW. We’ll decide what’s fit to publish and we’ll pay our way. Our readers, not advertisers, are our customers.

There a limitless amount more to be said about all of this, and I’ll say more about it in due course here on the blog. But first and most pressingly, being out of stealth mode means I’m able to be a lot more open about the kind of people we’re hoping will join this exciting adventure.

First and foremost, if you’re blisteringly funny and able to write topical jokes to order, drop what you’re doing and email me. Likewise if you’re a brilliant but under-appreciated editor or a first rate publisher looking for a new challenge. We’re hiring at all points on the editorial and publishing chain.

Beyond that, consider this an open audition: if any of the above has caused a synapse to fire — if you have ideas for what you’d like to see in your dream ereader/tablet magazine, if you have strong feelings on the future of journalism, or if you just want to tell us what you think of the name ‘The New Gambit’ send me an email. I or someone one degree of separation from me will do my/their best to reply within 24 hours or so. But please be patient — things are more crazy even than this rapid-fire, under-edited post suggests.

One other thing: we are, as I explained here, based in Las Vegas, Nevada. Many of the positions we’re hiring for — particularly the senior ones — will be based here. But if you’re unable to relocate, that need not be a deal breaker. If you’re the funniest man in Belgium, want to hear from you. If you’re the best damn publisher on the East Coast then I’ll fly to see you, or put you on a plane to Vegas for a chat. Again, send me an email and we’ll figure something out.

We’re aiming to have a pilot issue ready by the end of the year, and to begin a regular publishing schedule very early in 2012 so things are operating at top speed. I’m really excited by what we’re building here. Hopefully you are too. Without a hint of hyperbole, it’s going to be the best fucking thing ever.

Image credit: Ari Moore (Licensed under Creative Commons)